There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
