You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
