I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
