I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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