please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize