I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
