Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
