i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
that may or may not have been my penis.
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