i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
love makes seman taste better
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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