Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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