At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
