Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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