Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
