So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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