yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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