I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
