If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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