I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize