Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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