I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
