Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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