bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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