He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
