I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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