sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
