ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
