Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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