Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
