How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
