Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
