ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
