My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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