I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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