i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
