I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
