Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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