For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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