Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize