woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
