I am spending my child support on dildos
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
