someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
