I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize