im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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