you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
