my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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