I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
