my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
