My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize