I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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