Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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