I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
stop calling my apartment porn island.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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