Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
