I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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