If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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