Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
