when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize