Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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