I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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