i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
