my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
