my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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