the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
