Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I stole a fireplace last night.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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