i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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