this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
