1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I CAN MOONWALK!
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
