Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
