So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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