Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
