And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
