Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
