then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize