never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
